At this time every year people try to come up with some lame new year's resolution. Most people try to lose weight, start exercising, see the world, etc. Frankly, these hackneyed, outdated ideas suck monkey balls. As a remedy to the unfortunate trend of people reusing the same stupid resolutions year after year, I've come up with a number of resolutions guaranteed to help even the most resolution-impaired individuals. 1. Shave the cat twice a week. At year's end, knit a sweater with it.
2. Give up pork rinds and replace them with good ol' ham hocks.
3. Wear somebody else's underwear every day until you get a rash.
4. Find a cure for the world's greatest affliction: Martha Stewart
5. Dysgu a croyw tafodiaith.
6. Figure out what #5 means.
7. Date a criminally insane buerocrat.
8. Roll 42,000 marbles into the entryway of your local Wal*Mart.
9. Lock yourself in a closet with a jar of honey and a bullwhip.
10. Repeat #9, but with a partner.
11. Try explaining #9 and #10 to the local Catholic priest. [This is extra fun if you're either Jewish or a Methodist]
12. Deface US currency with quotes from George W. Bush.
13. Undermine the charitable efforts of your neighbors. [Those do-gooders deserve it]
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Teach a child to be illiterate.
16. Write a song about leprosy and the joy that it brings.
17. Piss off Christian fundamentalists in any and every way possible.
18. Set fire to those wearing A&F, Tommy Hilfigger, or Nautica clothing.
19. Pick other people's scabs.
20. Find something better to read. 
I pledge allegiance, to jokes in bad taste... This article authored by Dave. Please register all complaints through our department of lifeless losers who spend too much time complaining about irrelevant things. |
